


Slut Like You

by akorah



Series: Ridiculous One-Shots [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Auror Harry Potter, F/M, HP: EWE, Healer Draco Malfoy, Humor, One Shot, Shenanigans, not drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 20:52:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10794546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akorah/pseuds/akorah
Summary: Ginny and Hermione arrive at Grimmauld Place to discover their husbands being tortured. How the torturer(s) got through the wards is a mystery, as is the bizarre sound coming from the drawing room. Is that music?One shot.





	Slut Like You

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I neither own Harry Potter (which belongs to the goddess J.K. Rowling) nor 'Slut Like You' (which belongs to the goddess P!nk), all of which is terribly unfortunate.
> 
> Housekeeping: For the purposes of this fic, Scorp & James are the same age. Also, neither Harry nor Draco have futures as singers.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. The sounds coming from beyond the front door of number 12 Grimmauld Place were edging on inhuman. Two witches just returning from a shopping escapade to Diagon Alley pushed their teenaged sons to the rear as they withdrew their wands.

The younger witch opened the door with caution she’d rarely employed since the end of the war....

 

**Three hours earlier....**

“Potter, what exactly is _this_ supposed to be?”

A pair of bright green eyes behind round spectacles watched the lanky blond hunched down in front of a packed cabinet. “I know you’re a bit dense, Malfoy, but surely you can recognize CDs.”

Long, thin fingers pulled a jewel case from a shelf. “Something is clearly wrong with the world when the technology _I_ own is ahead of yours. Haven’t you heard of an iPod?” Draco Malfoy sniffed as he examined the cover. “What is this music? What kind of name is P!nk?”

Harry Potter snatched the CD from Draco’s hands. “I’ll take my eclectic collection over your stuffy iPod with your _operas_ and _classical_ music any day.” He popped the CD out of its case and headed for a decade-old CD player which had, admittedly, seen better days. That was a hazard of raising three children who had the same mischievous genes that gave the world both James Potter and the Weasley twins. “I can’t believe you’ve never heard of P!nk,” Harry said with mock shame.

“If this turns into another one of your attempts get me to listen to ‘Call Me Maybe’—”

Harry skipped to the seventh track on the album. “Just shut up and listen.” He pressed Play.

 

**Present**

Ginny Potter and Hermione Granger-Malfoy crept through the entry hall of Grimmauld Place, wands at the ready. Mrs. Black’s portrait was screeching obscenities that for once had nothing to do with blood-traitors or the ‘m-word’.

The cacophony caused by the outrageous portrait was easily drowned by the noises coming from the drawing room. There was a distinct sound of their husbands screaming and...was that music?

Panic rose in the women, though they tried to keep it hidden from their sons. “Scorp, James, go into the kitchen and _do not leave_ ,” Hermione commanded. “Gin, can you make sure Albus, Lily, and Orion are okay?”

The redhead, who was the spitting image of her badass mother, snarled. “Someone got through the wards on my house and is performing the Cruciatus Curse on two of the most powerful wizards in the world. You’re not going in there without me.”

“Which is why we need to make sure the kids are safe.”

Ginny flicked her wand and a silver horse galloped out the open front door. “Ron’ll be here soon.”

“What kind of twisted bastard plays music while torturing someone?” Hermione asked weakly.

Ginny shook her head, her fierce eyes burning. “I don’t know, but I’m going in. No one tortures my husband.”

“Gin—”

The former Weasley dodged Hermione’s hand. “You’ve been spending too much time with the Slytherin. I’m not waiting. Ron’ll be here soon enough with backup.”

“Backup won’t do you any good if you’re dead, Ginevra Potter.”

“Call me Ginevra one more time and I won’t be the one Ron finds dead.” Ginny gave Hermione a challenging stare. “Now, are you a Gryffindor or not?”

“GINNY?!” came a strangled cry from the front landing.

“We’re in here,” Hermione said, hoping she was loud enough for Ron to hear, but not so loud as to alert their husbands’ captors.

Ron Weasley ran into the house, a look of pure panic on his face. “What the bloody hell is going on?” He put his hands over his ears to drown out the screams of the two men and Mrs. Black. “How did they get into your _house_?”

Ginny shook her head. “I have no idea.” She jerked her head toward the kitchen. “James and Scorpius are in there. We don’t know about the rest of the kids.”

Ron wielded his wand and poised himself at the rear. “We’ll go in and assess the situation. Hermione, once we’ve got the measure of what’s going on, you go look for the kids.”

Ginny led the trio to the drawing room door, which was slightly ajar. She gently pushed it farther open and promptly dropped her wand. “What the hell?” She kicked the door wide open for her companions to see inside.

The whole of the drawing room was a Pantone catalogue of pinks. Nothing had been spared, including the two men now sporting hot pink eyebrows and bubblegum pink trousers.

“ _...PICKING WHO WE MIGHT LET IN—”_ Harry shouted as he gestured wildly around the room.

“ _THAT ONE?_ ” Draco yelled with a flamboyant wave of his finger and a quirked eyebrow.

“ _THE BOYS ARE STARVING!_ ”

“ _THEY’RE JUST OUR LITTLE FRIENDS!_ ” Draco began jumping up and down with the beat, his normally pale cheeks flushed with energy.

“ _THEY’RE JUST OUR LITTLE FRIENDS!_ ” Harry joined in the jumping.

“ _THEY’RE JUST OUR LIT-TLE FRIENNNDS_ ,” the pair chorused and landed, throwing both arms wide open.

“Please tell me one of you is carrying a phone,” Ron said, leaning in close to the women. Hermione and Ginny both whipped out their mobiles and hit Record.

The voyeurs almost started crying as the men reached Ginny’s favorite part of the song.

“ _You don’t win a prize with your googly-eyes. I’m not a crackerjack, you can’t go inside unless I let you, Jack. Jack, Sam—fuck, what’s your name again?_ ” The men gesticulated to each other with feigned confusion.

“ _You, male, come now—_ “ Draco said, gesturing at Harry with a ‘come hither’ finger.

“ _You, caveman, sit down!_ ” Harry put a hand on one hip and pointed fiercely at the floor.

“ _You—shh—don’t ruin it, wow!_ ” Draco backhanded Harry’s chest.

“ _CHECK PLEASE!_ ” both shouted, turning away to signal for invisible waiters.

That was when Draco caught sight of the audience in the doorway and stopped singing. His face flushed darker and this time it had nothing to do with the energy of the song. His wife smirked and held the mobile steady as she continued recording.

Harry looked confused at the sudden silence from his counterpart and turned to face the embarrassed man. He grinned when he saw Ginny and the two cameras.

“ _Wham, bam, thank you ma’am_ ,” Harry picked up, making eye contact with Ginny’s. He elbowed Draco, who grinned and nodded.

“ _Woo-ooo. I’m a slut like YOUUU!_ ” they shouted to the three people in the doorway.

 

After the song ended, Harry and Draco both demanded to see the phones so they could erase all evidence of their misdeeds; after all, it would not do for such damning videos of the Head Auror and a world-renowned Healer to appear on YouTube—or in the _Daily Prophet_ , which had tried to corner YouTube’s market by playing full recordings with sound.

The witches kept the wizards at bay with wands drawn, stifling laughs as their pink-eyebrowed husbands tried to threaten them. Unfortunately, _Expelliarmus_ didn’t work on mobiles and Hermione and Ginny were far too clever to let them be stolen by a simple Summoning Spell.

Eventually, the men convinced their wives to at least keep the videos to themselves, which was why all four were puzzled, outraged (Harry and Draco), and dying of mirth (Hermione and Ginny) when the recordings were played side-by-side at the 20th Anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts Gala four years later.

On his way out of the castle at the end of the evening, Ron slipped ten Galleons into the hands of two waiting seventh-years. “Well played.”

“Thanks, Uncle Ron,” black-haired James and pale-headed Scorpius chorused before disappearing to their respective common rooms.

Ron stepped out into the night air and took a deep breath. Trailing pink sparks from his wand, he sang to himself, “ _Woo-ooo_ , _I’m a slut like youuuu!_ ”


End file.
